Saturday, July 27

Finding Me

"Once you replace negative thoughts with positive ones, you'll start having positive results." - William Nelson

I've been really unsure whether to post this but sometimes, writing things down and sharing them makes me feel a whole lot better. As a warning, I'm an emotional wreck and currently seeing the negatives in lots of situations. For example, it's a Saturday night and I'm home alone, not something I'm used to. This makes me feel uneasy, extremely lonely and I don't know how to enjoy my own company. My good friend Tamsin pointed out that actually, alone time has a ton of benefits and I should try to see them. This made me realise that I haven't been looking positively at anything lately, so I thought I'd share them with you and how I'm going to change that. If I'm honest, this post is more to help myself rather than anyone else, but I hope you read with an open mind and remember, I'm not normally like this!

Two weekends ago, whilst most people were soaking up the sunshine, I spent the majority of my Saturday creating a video. I had a splurge of inspiration and decided I was finally going to do a fashion 'lookbook'. I put together five outfits, filmed, photographed, edited and exported the whole video during that day, but something was holding me back from uploading it. I then re-watched the video and started to really criticise myself. I was unhappy with all the clothes but most of all, I was really unhappy with the way I looked.

Now by all means there is nothing wrong with the way I look but definitely with the way I feel. I'm curvy and I'm an average size 12-14, but I currently weigh the heaviest I've ever been. My clothes are tight, I suffer with stretch marks, chaffing between my thighs and I'm unhappy about it most days. As I'm nearing 20 next year, looking back I've actually been really unhappy with my body through most of my teenage years. When my parents divorced a few years ago, I comfort ate which has become a bad habit ever since. I appreciate I don't need to loose that much weight, even a stone would make a huge different, but I'd like to feel more comfortable in my own skin.

My biggest problem with managing my diet and weight, is trying to find something that actually works for me. I understand its just about eating healthily and exercising more, but that's my problem, I'm so lazy and unmotivated to do either.  I've tried and failed many times to change how I feel, and I'm extremely frustrated with myself that I loose motivation and give up so easily. So to change this bad attitude and negativity I was feeling, I decide enough is enough. I couldn't moan to my family and boyfriend any longer because whatever they told me I managed to ignore, and began to realise that the best person to help me, is me.

Last week, I visited a 'women's only' gym which has a '30 minute circuit' you can easily complete. They host classes like Zumba and offer a 6 week programme monitoring my fitness, health and nutrition. I went for an induction and even the day before, I had thoughts of phoning and cancelling. It's just so much easier for me to find excuses, rather than accepting the problem face on. I managed to go and really enjoyed it, so I'm signing up to the programme to see if it's something that would work for me before committing to an annual membership.

I can't rely on this gym changing my life and I'm scared I'm not going to stick to it, but at least it's a start. I know I'm not alone in feeling the way I am, but obviously my clothes don't look nice anymore  after gaining weight. Each morning has become a real struggle of continual outfit changes and time wasting, while I try to squeeze into my old summer clothes and find something decent to wear to work. I'm a bit of a hoarder, so when we moved house, I thought I'd take all my belongings with me (most of them unnecessary) and shove them into my beautiful new wardrobe. With that in mind, my draws and cupboards have been filled with junk ever since, and it was starting to stress me out. One evening last week, my Mum and I literally grabbed bin bags and storage boxes and went through the whole lot. It took a few hours, but she was really ruthless with me and I managed to see the floor and rail again.

It's amazing how a wardrobe clear-out made me feel a whole lot better. I didn't realise that clutter could upset me so much! The great thing is, I'm going to take all my junk to a carboot and make some money to help fund my new gym membership and a new wardrobe of clothes. This was the best start to getting me back on track.

I then pilled a list together of problems which were also upsetting me. This contained managing my eczema, visiting a dentist about my wisdom teeth, problems in my relationship, organising my work load better and getting my hair cut and styled again. I know these are completely little things, but you won't believe how writing them down and assessing what I'm going to do about them has made me feel. 

I am fully aware that I'm a lucky girl with great opportunities and an amazing support system surrounding me. My life is filled with wonderful things, so it was upsetting me that I was feeling this way. There is just no need for me to sweat about small stuff, and I've really learnt lots about myself. I mustn't be ashamed and hide how I feel but embrace problems, no matter how big or small, before they escalate and I dig myself into a bigger hole than I started with. I don't want this to come across as pretentious or me moaning about petty little things, because compare to others, I just don't have a right to. It's literally just me accepting how I've been feeling and doing something about it. 

I'm now going to enjoy the rest of my Saturday night in. It's not lonely, it 'me' time, something I desperately needed. I'll keep you updated on my new gym, any weight loss and of course share the progress with you. I'm honestly not sure how my family and friends (especially my boyfriend!), have managed to put up with me like this for so long, but I'm so glad they did, I'm really lucky.

AdiĆ³s old me, starting a new chapter in my life.

"If you have a positive attitude and constantly strive to give your best effort, eventually you will overcome your immediate problems and find you are ready for greater challenges" - Pat Riley

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