Saturday, July 27

Finding Me

"Once you replace negative thoughts with positive ones, you'll start having positive results." - William Nelson

I've been really unsure whether to post this but sometimes, writing things down and sharing them makes me feel a whole lot better. As a warning, I'm an emotional wreck and currently seeing the negatives in lots of situations. For example, it's a Saturday night and I'm home alone, not something I'm used to. This makes me feel uneasy, extremely lonely and I don't know how to enjoy my own company. My good friend Tamsin pointed out that actually, alone time has a ton of benefits and I should try to see them. This made me realise that I haven't been looking positively at anything lately, so I thought I'd share them with you and how I'm going to change that. If I'm honest, this post is more to help myself rather than anyone else, but I hope you read with an open mind and remember, I'm not normally like this!

Two weekends ago, whilst most people were soaking up the sunshine, I spent the majority of my Saturday creating a video. I had a splurge of inspiration and decided I was finally going to do a fashion 'lookbook'. I put together five outfits, filmed, photographed, edited and exported the whole video during that day, but something was holding me back from uploading it. I then re-watched the video and started to really criticise myself. I was unhappy with all the clothes but most of all, I was really unhappy with the way I looked.

Now by all means there is nothing wrong with the way I look but definitely with the way I feel. I'm curvy and I'm an average size 12-14, but I currently weigh the heaviest I've ever been. My clothes are tight, I suffer with stretch marks, chaffing between my thighs and I'm unhappy about it most days. As I'm nearing 20 next year, looking back I've actually been really unhappy with my body through most of my teenage years. When my parents divorced a few years ago, I comfort ate which has become a bad habit ever since. I appreciate I don't need to loose that much weight, even a stone would make a huge different, but I'd like to feel more comfortable in my own skin.

My biggest problem with managing my diet and weight, is trying to find something that actually works for me. I understand its just about eating healthily and exercising more, but that's my problem, I'm so lazy and unmotivated to do either.  I've tried and failed many times to change how I feel, and I'm extremely frustrated with myself that I loose motivation and give up so easily. So to change this bad attitude and negativity I was feeling, I decide enough is enough. I couldn't moan to my family and boyfriend any longer because whatever they told me I managed to ignore, and began to realise that the best person to help me, is me.

Last week, I visited a 'women's only' gym which has a '30 minute circuit' you can easily complete. They host classes like Zumba and offer a 6 week programme monitoring my fitness, health and nutrition. I went for an induction and even the day before, I had thoughts of phoning and cancelling. It's just so much easier for me to find excuses, rather than accepting the problem face on. I managed to go and really enjoyed it, so I'm signing up to the programme to see if it's something that would work for me before committing to an annual membership.

I can't rely on this gym changing my life and I'm scared I'm not going to stick to it, but at least it's a start. I know I'm not alone in feeling the way I am, but obviously my clothes don't look nice anymore  after gaining weight. Each morning has become a real struggle of continual outfit changes and time wasting, while I try to squeeze into my old summer clothes and find something decent to wear to work. I'm a bit of a hoarder, so when we moved house, I thought I'd take all my belongings with me (most of them unnecessary) and shove them into my beautiful new wardrobe. With that in mind, my draws and cupboards have been filled with junk ever since, and it was starting to stress me out. One evening last week, my Mum and I literally grabbed bin bags and storage boxes and went through the whole lot. It took a few hours, but she was really ruthless with me and I managed to see the floor and rail again.

It's amazing how a wardrobe clear-out made me feel a whole lot better. I didn't realise that clutter could upset me so much! The great thing is, I'm going to take all my junk to a carboot and make some money to help fund my new gym membership and a new wardrobe of clothes. This was the best start to getting me back on track.

I then pilled a list together of problems which were also upsetting me. This contained managing my eczema, visiting a dentist about my wisdom teeth, problems in my relationship, organising my work load better and getting my hair cut and styled again. I know these are completely little things, but you won't believe how writing them down and assessing what I'm going to do about them has made me feel. 

I am fully aware that I'm a lucky girl with great opportunities and an amazing support system surrounding me. My life is filled with wonderful things, so it was upsetting me that I was feeling this way. There is just no need for me to sweat about small stuff, and I've really learnt lots about myself. I mustn't be ashamed and hide how I feel but embrace problems, no matter how big or small, before they escalate and I dig myself into a bigger hole than I started with. I don't want this to come across as pretentious or me moaning about petty little things, because compare to others, I just don't have a right to. It's literally just me accepting how I've been feeling and doing something about it. 

I'm now going to enjoy the rest of my Saturday night in. It's not lonely, it 'me' time, something I desperately needed. I'll keep you updated on my new gym, any weight loss and of course share the progress with you. I'm honestly not sure how my family and friends (especially my boyfriend!), have managed to put up with me like this for so long, but I'm so glad they did, I'm really lucky.

AdiĆ³s old me, starting a new chapter in my life.


"If you have a positive attitude and constantly strive to give your best effort, eventually you will overcome your immediate problems and find you are ready for greater challenges" - Pat Riley


SHARE:

51 comments

  1. So glad you shared this with your readers <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank you, I was really nervous but I'm proud. Thank you for reading <3

      Delete
  2. I know exactly how you feel. I'm trying to 'declutter' my life as I'm hoarder too in the hope it helps me to feel decluttered myself x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's reassuring to know I'm not alone. Wishing you the best of luck, maybe we can support each other :) xx

      Delete
  3. I don't often read blog posts but this is the most inspiring one I've come across Brogan. You may be younger than me but you are so level headed and mature and that in itself is an amazing quality. You have so much courage to put yourself out on the internet, you have grown a successful business with the beauty closet and you have a wonderful supportive and pretty cool family - this post shows that regardless of opportunities you've been given you're still real and down to earth and a beautiful person inside and out. I for one can really relate to this post and I want to thank you for sharing this with us.
    Chin up chick, you may have things you dislike right now but they can be worked on, write down what you like / love about yourself and let them shine through the dislikes :)
    lots of love and hugs xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much, I really need to hear this. I feel like I've connected with you on a really surreal level Elaine, I don't know you but I almost feel like I do when I watch your vlogs. It's people like you who 'get it' more than people in my personal life. I will do exactly that and I feel even better knowing I'm not alone. Thank you once again! Love & Hugs back xxxxx

      Delete
    2. I know what you mean lovely, you're never alone when you have so much wonderful support around you even with online friends and subscribers / followers :) x

      Delete
  4. Good for you Brogan! Good luck with the gym, I understand how motivation can be hard to get! Lots of love huni xxxxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Natalie, I really appreciate your continual support ever since the beginning! xx

      Delete
  5. Replies
    1. love you loads too, thank you for everything you tell me and support me with xxx

      Delete
  6. Brogan, I for a while now, have wanted to improve my lifestyle. Not really for weight loss, but because I feel the effects of eating crap, I feel run down and lazy and don't want this to continue. I still eat crap, I admit. But I eat it in a different way, I feel disgusted while I eat it, like I'm poisoning myself. This is slowly motivating me to change..because when you know what you're really eating and what it will do to you, it doesn't taste so nice anymore. The point is, I find it incredibly helpful to research into bad diets, foods that are actually bad for you (and myths like "dairy gives you calcium, drink up" are untrue!). I've also seen how people have benefited from changing to a more 'clean' diet. I recommend the book 'Skinny Bitch' (the title is just for shocking people)to start off with. It's very pro-vegan but if you read it with an open mind, it makes you see things like chocolate and such as trash. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much! I couldn't agree with you more. I don't want to look at this lifestyle change as a drastic 'diet', but a better way of eating. I want to make better choices and know that it will not only help my weight, but my stress levels, my eczema and motivation. I'll have a look at the book and see if I can rent from my library, really appreciate your comment and will let you know how I get on :) xx

      Delete
    2. You can read it online for free on a website called scribd! :)

      Delete
  7. Good luck with the gym brogan :)
    I hope you feel like you're in a better place soon :) xo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank you jodie, I hope so too :) xx

      Delete
  8. I hope you do start this new chapter. You are a lucky girl and should be enjoying yourself. There are people out there who have to have 'me' time every night of the week, not just Saturday. Imagine that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Absolutely, something I appreciate more than anything else x

      Delete
  9. Such a lovely, thought out post! xx

    ReplyDelete
  10. So glad you decided to post this, I've been feeling exactly the same over the past few months and have only just told my boyfriend what's actually wrong. I really enjoy reading posts like this that I can completely relate to! Good luck with the new chapter of your life and I look forward to reading/hearing more about it :) xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You've made a great first step in admitting how you feel, that's why I wrote this. I'm so glad you can relate, it's so nice to know I'm not alone! xx

      Delete
  11. I was so shocked to read this! I've honestly been jealous of you (in a nice way!) ever since I first came across your blog. You are so pretty and I love your taste in fashion and clothing.

    I comfort ate too through my parents divorce so I know how you feel. It was horrible. I literally hated myself but after I read a book on comfort eating I managed to stop. I can't remember what the book is called but the three key concepts to it were: 1. Stop dieting 2. Eat whatever you want whenever you want 3. Stop feeling guilty when you eat. Although this sounds so scary and it took me quite a while to get used to, it actually works and I've now dropped a dress size. Its dieting and restricting ourselves that actually causes us to overeat. Its been a really long journey but I am so much happier now.

    You are so brave for posting this. I hope things get easier soon <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you lovely, the thing with YouTube is people forget I feel exactly the same as you do, and have all the same problems and insecurities.

      I can relate to the comfort eating concepts - as soon as I start a 'diet', I stress myself out and comfort eat more! I too feel guilty for having some foods when I shouldn't. Maybe I should start reading this book! haha.

      It took some bravery to post so thank you for reading. I hope things get better for you too xx

      Delete
  12. I'll be completely honest, I don't usually read blog posts that are all text and no photos but I read every single word of this. I remember when I first found your videos a couple of summers ago and I loved them instantly. You're honestly such an inspiration to me and I promise you I'm not just saying that. I always check your blog and Youtube for new posts because I love them. So I'm sorry that you've been down and having a tough time, but remember you are truly beautiful inside and out and you just seem like an all over wonderful person and that comes across in your videos and blog posts. I really hope you start feeling better in yourself, and I hope things improve for you and you achieve all you wish to! Good luck with everything and thank you for posting this, I'm glad you did!

    Beauty and Lifestyle Blog

    xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I agree, I don't usually read long boring posts but I really appreciate you took the time to read it. It's so refreshing to hear that I've inspired you in one way or another, it makes writing posts and making videos rewarding on so many levels. Thank you for your lovely comment! xx

      Delete
  13. Brogan, I feel so similar to you when reading this post! Recently, I have started to become really self conscious about my body, especially since seeing pictures of myself on a recent holiday. The past few weeks have been really hard and I've really lost myself and who I want to be, as well as a great deal of motivation. Seeing you so courageously tackling the things that you aren't comfortable with in your life has really made me feel that I can do it too and change my life and get back my confidence. I've read your blog and watched your videos for such a long time now and always admired you and loved your chatty personality, but tonight reading this, I've related to you and felt supported by you in such a huge way, so thank you for having the courage to write this and put it out there for people like me to read and thank you for being there, although I have never met you personally! Good luck with your journey, and I look forward to coming along with you! Lots of love xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hey emily, thank you so much for such a lovely comment. Seeing my holiday photos also hit me hard, especially when I needed some for my blog for a bikini review! Worst idea ever. It's taken more bravery than I ever thought I had, but it's so rewarding so hear stories like yourself. I think people forget I have the same problems and insecurities as anyone else, so I'm glad I've expressed how I feel. It sounds like we're really similar so please stay in touch (twitter is gold for that) and good luck on your journey too! lots of love back xxx

      Delete
  14. This is exactly how I feel too Brogan :( Lately I've been noticing things about my body which I really dislike, such as stretch marks and it really does make your confidence plummet. People don't really understand how you feel unless they are going through the same thing which is perhaps why we don't listen to people when they try and make us feel better. Also, other life difficulties doesn't make you feel any better and it makes you unmotivated but since reading this post I am going to try my best to sort things out! I love your blog and videos and I hope you start to feel better soon :) Thank you so much for writing this post, it has inspired me :) I look forward to updates of how you are getting on with things :) xxx

    Taylor Lou-xo | Beauty & Lifestyle Blog

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I can only relate Taylor, no one understands because I didn't want to seem selfish for feeling the way I was, when I had so many fantastic things around me. I'm so pleased it has inspired you and I can only send my wishes and hope it gets better for you too. I look forward to sharing my updates :) thanks for such a lovely comment xxx

      Delete
  15. Brogan, thank you for writing this post and I hope it helped you as much as it has helped me. The past year has been an emotional roller coaster and I have lost my motivation, self esteem and confidence. Reading your post has encouraged me to look at my life, make changes and start a new chapter. I know that I'm not going to be able to wave a magic wand and everything will be better but I need to start thinking about the positives in life and start being me again.

    Good luck with your new chapter and I hope you start to feel happier soon.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank you so much reading and sending such a lovely message! I'm so glad it has helped you start your next chapter. Even thinking positively is a good start, I hope you feel happier soon too! xx

      Delete
  16. I think it's so brave how people can just open up about stuff like this & I think it helps to talk about things sometimes. I've always been self conscious since the start of secondary school. I've came out of college with no friends, so I find it hard to open up to everyone so I feel really lucky to have my boyfriend. That's why I started my blog to try and just connect with people that have similar interests as me. I'm not like fishing for followers or anything like I never post my link, just if people happen to come across my blog in the future I hope they enjoy reading it, at the moment I done have any followers so it's kind of a way for me to just write about things I enjoy I guess :)
    Sorry for that essay lol & good luck with your journey & i'm sure you'll start feeling better about your self soon! you seem to have a lot of support behind you :) x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It took quite a lot of bravery I have to admit! That's fantastic that you've decided to join the blogging community, we all have to start somewhere and I'd personally suggest Twitter as a great place to meet others. Use the hashtag #bbloggers to discover new posts/bloggers. I'll come over and check yours out now :) Thanks for your support and lovely comment xx

      Delete
  17. Such an inspiring post!... You have the right attitude to start with and i wish you every success in starting your new chapter. Just remember, tomorrow is another day and things can only get better from here :) xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank you very much, I really needed to hear that :) xx

      Delete
  18. We all feel lost and sad sometimes.
    I totally understand how you feel.
    Clearing out your closet and going to the gym are
    great ideas to get you out of the negative thoughts.
    I'm also going to the gym and it makes me happy.
    Maybe we can all motivated eachother.
    The advise I can give you, from experience, is not to think too much.
    It only leads to worrying. If you are stressing out about something, watch a funny video on youtube. That always snaps me out of my stressy moment.

    I'm sure you'll feel better soon.
    You are a great girl with a lot of possibilities.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I agree, I've learnt that so many other girls are feeling like me recently, we definitely have to have more girl power and support one another. Laughter is something I need to inject more in my life, so I'll definitely take up on your videos suggestion! Thanks for your lovely comment, have a good sunday xx

      Delete
  19. Well done for posting this and being so honest with yourself! That takes real guts ! x

    ReplyDelete
  20. I feel exactly the same as you Brogan! I am starting doing the same thing as you this week! Keep us all updated with your progress! You are such an inspirationto me thanks si much for writing thos post and remember your not alpne! Love you Brogan xxxx

    ReplyDelete
  21. It sounds like we're in a very similar position! I'm a size 12-14 too and turning 20 in a month scares me that I'm still the weight I am now. I've put on weight since being at university and now that I'm graduating next year I really don't want to enter my adult life feeling this way about my body. It's natural to let it get you down occasionally but you're doing the right thing in being pro-active! Something we could all definitely learn from. Good luck with it. (:
    xxxx

    ReplyDelete
  22. I think being honest with yourself and assessing the way you feel is the best thing you could have done. I am a big fan of the idea that it's not the size that matters but how that size makes you feel. As long as you are happy then that's all that matters. I really hope you feel better soon, this is exactly how I was feeling last year when I was nineteen and not wanting to go into my twenties carrying unnecessary weight, both mentally and physically!

    Good Luck Brogan :D xo

    ReplyDelete
  23. I think it's great that you are wanting to do something about what's making you feel unhappy, and the more you stick at it, the happier you will be, not to mention the healthier you will become. From watching your videos and reading your blog you seem like such a fun, kind, sweet person, so I really do wish you all the best. I think you're beautiful now, but you should do whatever makes you feel happy.
    Lots of love!

    http://ellenunderwater.blogspot.co.uk/

    ReplyDelete
  24. We all go through hard times within life, if it wasnt for the hard times we wouldnt appreciate the good times that we have. I hope everything gets easier for you and you can work everything out. I am here if you ever want to talk; remember you are amazing and you should never be made to feel like you are second best xox

    ReplyDelete
  25. Thank you, it was really brave of you to post this! I used to constantly have negative thoughts about the way I looked, my abilities and just about everything. This led me to be paranoid about everything I ate and everyday life things, which lead me to lose a lot of weight. The hardest part is admitting that you have a problem and actually wanting to change it. Although I still have negative thoughts, I am trying to think more positively. It’s nice to know that other people have insecurities and that we are not on our own. Good luck (: !!

    http://theenglishblossom.blogspot.co.uk/

    xxx

    ReplyDelete
  26. You are truly wonderful and very brave indeed for posting this. A lot of women feel the way you do. Good for you for trying to figure things out and make good goals and changes for your self. You are not alone. :) You are wonderful and amazing!

    ReplyDelete
  27. Hiya Brogan!
    Thank you for posting this. I'm in the same boat with weight loss, I've recently gone up a clothes size and come to the conclusion 'that's it! I'm gonna be skinny' :P It's lovely to see someone similar to myself attempting the same thing with the same worries.

    I've been following your YouTube & business for ages, I've only just came across your blog. I wanted to say that I really hope you're feeling a little better, you're a beautiful, successful young woman and you should be so proud of yourself.

    Best of luck with the new routines deary, keep us updated xxx

    ReplyDelete
  28. It's really nice to hear what you're doing to change what you're not happy about. I've suffered with depression for years but only took steps this year to make the changes that made the difference for the better. Now I'm quitting my job that I hate, I've finished University which also made me miserable and I'm moving to France in less than a month! Taking small steps in the first place make room to make the bigger steps that reward us with greater happiness. xxx

    ReplyDelete
  29. I love this post! I recently tried something similar and I felt so much better after as well! I still need to sort out an exercise and eating plan and this post motivated me loads! thank you! x

    http://paintedpalms.blogspot.co.uk/

    ReplyDelete
  30. I absolutely understand how you feel! I lost 6 stone 2 years ago and my life was getting better and better, i felt great. Then I was involved in a road traffic accident and broke my leg and collarbone. The weight all suddenly started piling back on with me not being able to exercise and eat healthily. I just thought "what's the point?"

    Now my bones have been fully healed for 6 months roughly and I just can't get back on track with eating and exercise. I've regained ALL of the weight i've lost and it's just depressing me that i can't seem to regain some sort of control over it. But your post has made me see that i need to take a step back and analyse everything.

    Thank you Brogan, you are so motivational for me, and it helps that we're getting an insight into your life with your daily vlogs this month. Also, you're a fellow Bournemouthian! Let's get our lives back on track and who knows, next year it could be us flaunting our bodies confidently in bikinis on the beach!

    XOXO

    ReplyDelete

© Brogan Tate xo. All rights reserved.
Blogger Templates made by pipdig